Dear Denise Richards

Dear Denise,

May I call you Denise? Because I feel like I know you so well now, and we have so much in common - mainly being that we have both given birth to Charlie Sheen's offspring. Oops, just kidding - had ya worried there for a minute didn't I?

Anyway, there I was Denise, all alone. My kids were at their cousin's house for a sleepover, all three of them, my husband was at work and I had the evening all to myself.

So, what's a girl to do? I did what any normal girl would do. I rented a few movies and got greasy Chinese food to eat all alone on my living room floor with nobody but the dog to keep me company.

And he is mighty fine company, I might add, he didn't even once ask for a bite of my chow mein.

So there I was, eagerly awaiting my movie - oh excuse me, your movie. I saw it on the shelf and those snappy pink airline stewardess uniforms that you and Pamela Anderson were wearing caught my eye. I thought they looked a little like what Reece Witherspoon wore in Legally Blond and figured, hey this might be a funny chick flick for me to watch, kind of like the girl version of Dumb and Dumber, Blonde and Blonder.

That's what you guys wanted me to think all along, huh? That is your ploy to get the unsuspecting mommies with a night all to themselves to rent your DVD, isn't it? Because seriously, who else would watch such a thing?

Although that whole bit about Mr. Hung Wong was kinda funny - especially the part where he tells Pam his name and she says "Ouch!" As if! She was married to Tommy Lee for Christ Sake.

It is only because my brain is half gone and when left alone, sometimes I am in such utter shock from the lack of hearing screaming children that I make poor choices.

Yeah, I am on to you. And Pamela Anderson. [What was I thinking?]

I don't know who was dumber - me for renting the movie in the first place, or you for agreeing to be in it. Maybe you and Pam are planning on taking over the movie biz or something . . . maybe she's your BFF. Although I haven't seen her on your reality show yet, only those other annoying women who complain when the paparazzi take their picture when, hello! you are filming a reality TV show and complaining about cameras? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Well Denise, that is about all the time I have to write. You see, I have to make up at least 90 minutes of my life that I lost watching Blonde and Blonder.

Cordially,
Carrie

PS - You should have auditioned for Definitely, Maybe. Now that, was a good movie. Thank God for choice #2.