Sometimes I'm drawn back into time, back into things I've written 2, 3 even 6 years ago in my cozy little hole on the www and I get the same feeling as when I pull out a shoebox of photos from my honeymoon, or when our first baby was born. It's a long sigh of a feeling. It's a recognition of a different time, a different place, almost like a different life.
I guess it just is what it is.
And what it is, is life.
Life that barrels along day in and day out. Some days full to the brim with lunches, appointments, meetings, work, more meetings, dinner, baseball, homework...laundry. It's life. All of it. Some days less busy. Tired winter days before spring and better weather. Soggy, dreary, sit in pyjamas and drink hot chocolate listening to jazz days as a rare sunbeam filters through the blinds and warms a section of carpet just large enough for the dog to lie in. Those days. Those daydreaming, wandering, meandering days...
What ever happened to those kind of days?
These days I'm fortunate to get lunches packed around midnight, because that means I don't have to get up before 6am and do it.
These days we go go go. And before we know it, there we are. Going again at the speed of light.
I think I used to have more time. I used to think I had no time, but I was wrong. I used to say to myself, back then when I still had a babe in diapers, that time would eventually slow down and I'd have a grip on every facet of my life as a mother. I couldn't have been more incorrect. I doesn't slow down, it speeds up and the people slow down. A cruel reality that one never seems to realize until the time has passed. Like my sinewy 16 year-old body, I didn't appreciate it when I had it...the time.
But there are reminders everywhere. In photo albums, on paper, in my children's memories, in a virtual world living in the archives of this blog. Time was slower, time was abundant, time was more of a gift than I could have ever realized, at the time. And without getting way too philosophical for my comfort zone, I'll end it by saying something I've always heard, some sort of cliche burned into my thought process that tells me that time really does not matter. What matters is today.
What matters is the life I have today. The words I say today. The feelings I have today.
The past reminds me of where I've been, but it doesn't dictate where I'm going. Nothing can. I can only live the way I choose, love the way I choose and be the way I choose, right here in this day, in this time, no matter how many times the sun does or does not shine in a day. It is this day, this gift, this life and this love that make me feel that long sigh of a feeling when I go to bed at night, kind of like looking at an old photo album from my honeymoon.
It is a good day.
It is a good time.