I need an exorcism. A kind of ridding of all that is evil from this house. These past few weeks have killed me. Killed my hope. Killed my positive attitude. Killed the ME that was there, at the beginning of the month, wishing that summer would last forever.
That person is hardly recognizable now, and I miss her.
Never, in years past, have I experienced so much drama in so little time than I have with my kids these past few weeks. I've lost my temper, I have yelled, I have threatened to put my head in the oven.
As my eyes were rolling back in my head, I joked to my husband that I was going to run out the front door and not look back.
And I was serious.
Back to school, for 2 of the 3, will be here in the morning. The little one will start on Friday. Just as soon as she is done screaming her bloody head off on the step because she lost the rock, paper, scissor competition she was having with her brother. I tried to tell her that in kindergarten, everyone gets a chance to go first, and that it's not always going to be her turn...
Blank stare, and more screaming.
I've avoided writing because I don't want to sound too negative. I've pushed down and silenced my voice, tried to muffle it with fun, and activities, and hey let's make cookies again! None of it, not even a little, has helped. Sleep issues, sibling issues, anxiety, schedule changes - my kids are full of it. It is, as if, they're orbiting another sun, inhabiting another planet, and breathing an entirely different air than anyone else. They think they make their own rules and god, oh god, can it just please stop? Just for one day? One hour? One minute?
I know my mom didn't have it this bad. Or maybe she just hid it better than I do. There can only be a few explanations for what I've been feeling. One, I need a vacation. Two, I need medication. Three, I'm a horrible mother. Or four, they just need to get back in their routine (one I cannot provide them), have a break from one another and from me, and once this happens, all will return to normal. Chaos? Yes, but normal.
I can handle that.
So I trudge through this last day, checking things off my to-do list. Planning on feeding my children Chinese food from the supermarket deli for dinner because hello! we're out of dog food and bananas. And I cannot make Wyatt his back to school sandwich of peanut butter, banana, and honey without bananas! And the dog, well he is sick of eating the eggs and broccoli I've subjected him to today and would really appreciate some fresh kibble.
It's not all that bad. I know this. I do. I had a moment the other day, you know the kind that stops you in your tracks and it's as if there is a voice (a pretend one, not a real kind that anyone needs to worry about!) whispering in your head that says, "If I die at this instant I will have experienced all the love, joy and happiness that a person can." And you smile, that ear to ear smile that only comes from having a full, full heart and you sigh. That was my moment. And I know there will be more, there always are. I'm a very lucky girl.
But man, what I wouldn't give for that man from The Exorcist to show up at my door, preferably just as I'm done writing this, and rid my kids of all the sassiness, all the bickering, all the poking and joking and teasing they have been doing to each other. And replace that with excitement, smiles, gratitude and calm. What I want most is calm. I miss calm.
While he's at it, he could throw a little in the dogs direction too because if I had a nickle for every moment I've been followed around today by a furry creature with the most undesirable of breath...well, you know.
In the meantime, I'm hoping to find my relief in a bubble bath, a good book, and some leftover Chinese deli food - after the kids are in bed.
ps: no children were harmed in the making of this post. this is just me, having a moment. i hope nobody minds.