Tuesday, September 08, 2009

The Exorcist

I need an exorcism. A kind of ridding of all that is evil from this house. These past few weeks have killed me. Killed my hope. Killed my positive attitude. Killed the ME that was there, at the beginning of the month, wishing that summer would last forever.

That person is hardly recognizable now, and I miss her.

Never, in years past, have I experienced so much drama in so little time than I have with my kids these past few weeks. I've lost my temper, I have yelled, I have threatened to put my head in the oven.

As my eyes were rolling back in my head, I joked to my husband that I was going to run out the front door and not look back.

And I was serious.

Back to school, for 2 of the 3, will be here in the morning. The little one will start on Friday. Just as soon as she is done screaming her bloody head off on the step because she lost the rock, paper, scissor competition she was having with her brother. I tried to tell her that in kindergarten, everyone gets a chance to go first, and that it's not always going to be her turn...

Blank stare, and more screaming.

I've avoided writing because I don't want to sound too negative. I've pushed down and silenced my voice, tried to muffle it with fun, and activities, and hey let's make cookies again! None of it, not even a little, has helped. Sleep issues, sibling issues, anxiety, schedule changes - my kids are full of it. It is, as if, they're orbiting another sun, inhabiting another planet, and breathing an entirely different air than anyone else. They think they make their own rules and god, oh god, can it just please stop? Just for one day? One hour? One minute?

I know my mom didn't have it this bad. Or maybe she just hid it better than I do. There can only be a few explanations for what I've been feeling. One, I need a vacation. Two, I need medication. Three, I'm a horrible mother. Or four, they just need to get back in their routine (one I cannot provide them), have a break from one another and from me, and once this happens, all will return to normal. Chaos? Yes, but normal.

I can handle that.

So I trudge through this last day, checking things off my to-do list. Planning on feeding my children Chinese food from the supermarket deli for dinner because hello! we're out of dog food and bananas. And I cannot make Wyatt his back to school sandwich of peanut butter, banana, and honey without bananas! And the dog, well he is sick of eating the eggs and broccoli I've subjected him to today and would really appreciate some fresh kibble.

Oy.

It's not all that bad. I know this. I do. I had a moment the other day, you know the kind that stops you in your tracks and it's as if there is a voice (a pretend one, not a real kind that anyone needs to worry about!) whispering in your head that says, "If I die at this instant I will have experienced all the love, joy and happiness that a person can." And you smile, that ear to ear smile that only comes from having a full, full heart and you sigh. That was my moment. And I know there will be more, there always are. I'm a very lucky girl.

But man, what I wouldn't give for that man from The Exorcist to show up at my door, preferably just as I'm done writing this, and rid my kids of all the sassiness, all the bickering, all the poking and joking and teasing they have been doing to each other. And replace that with excitement, smiles, gratitude and calm. What I want most is calm. I miss calm.

While he's at it, he could throw a little in the dogs direction too because if I had a nickle for every moment I've been followed around today by a furry creature with the most undesirable of breath...well, you know.

In the meantime, I'm hoping to find my relief in a bubble bath, a good book, and some leftover Chinese deli food - after the kids are in bed.

ps: no children were harmed in the making of this post. this is just me, having a moment. i hope nobody minds.

9 comments:

Donata said...

Ahhh..said so well...my "time" comes mid-July. bless you for making it this far...some days I would have liked a wave to just come over my head and wash me out to sea, quietly and peacefully.

Carrie said...

I agree with the previous commenter- hats of to you for making it to September before writing this post! Glad the end is in sight :)

flutter said...

you are so allowed to have a moment

your cousin said...

One - I don't know how you've made it this long. You've earned a vacation, can I come too?
Two - I don't have any medication, but you know I'll always have a bottle of wine at the ready.
Three - You are an AMAZING mother...One of the four best I know ;-)
Four - Routine is coming. Calm is coming. I promise.

I love you!

Kyla said...

Moments are TOTALLY allowed.

The kids being back in school WILL help...that structure is good for them. It is good for YOU, too!

Becky said...

you are not a bad mom. i promise. and your kids aren't horrible kids. i promise. it's totally the schedule thing. they HATE having them! they wanna do what THEY wanna do 24/7 and if we veer them from that path..holy hell for us. good luck and i hope things get better soon!

Ashley said...

That is exactly how I felt three weeks ago.

But school has been in session three lovely weeks and I've never felt better.

You're almost there!

Kendra said...

It's actually really nice for me to read this. The couple of weeks before school started were just hellish here (and only one was heading off--to first grade). And it only occurred to me a few days ago that it was the anticipation, the excitement, the getting ready for a whole new set of routines, that were setting us all on edge. And now that it's all begun and we're all settling it, it's so much better.

I hope it is for you too--and you're welcome to have a "moment" any time you need one!

Andrea Frazer - Pass the Zoloft said...

I went away this weekend and came home to a very happy hubby and kids. It's like they didn't miss me at all. I literally said to my husband, "Wow, it's like you are happier when I am gone." And his response was, "Well, honestly, we didn't have you complaining the moment you came in the door about the floors or the food or whatever..." and then I was SOOO MAD.

But then I thought about it and realized he has a point. As much as I joke and laugh, I am very very controlling. I think happiness would be much less elusive for me if I didn't try to contain everything and make everything so perfect.

So the next day, I didn't even unpack my suitcase. I didn't freak over no food in the house. I made do.

He came home from work all chipper. And he also said, "You know, I really do love you. We wouldn't be the same around here if you weren't around."

Oh, fine. be cute like that.

Hang in, girl!