Sunday, December 07, 2008

Notes From the Embarrassing Files

Dear Family,

There is an old saying that goes "If you can't laugh at yourself blah, blah, blah" which I repeat in my head a lot - mostly around the holidays, as this time of year seems to bring out the embarrassing events more than any other.

I am no stranger to "the embarrassing," as you may recall.

Remember the year that I left the bag of giblets in the turkey while it was cooking? That was embarrassing. How about opening up our beautiful, pre-ordered, free-range, organic fresh turkey on the morning of Thanksgiving only to discover that it was rotten and then having to bring it back up to the supermarket to exchange it for another? That was embarrassing.

I've fallen down at the pumpkin patch too, remember? Say it with me now . . . embarrassing!

[I've also fallen down buying broccoli, but that wasn't holiday related; rather, I'm getting some veggies for dinner in a hurry related - so it does not apply to this story]

It seems like the older I get, the more embarrassing things I do. You would agree with me family, wouldn't you? And it's not like I choose to bring on the humiliation, it just happens. It is completely and utterly out of my control.

Like the jambalaya incident from last week in which a heaping and delicious bowl of hot jambalaya was dumped squarely in my lap by the server. Yes, family, I am sure you would agree that I had absolutely no control over that one, wouldn't you? Even though it wasn't my fault, I am sorry for embarrassing you, and for smelling like seafood in the car on the way home.

And then there are the things that are completely in my control, the little decisions - like trying out the new eyebrow wax that I picked up while buying stocking stuffers and could not wait to use before going to get our Christmas tree.

Oh yes, I said eyebrow wax. I love those two words. Eyebrow. Wax. Just thinking about them sends my thoughts a flurry with all the beautiful arches I could achieve out of the current Ernie-from-Sesame-Street look I have got going on up there.

But the wax, it is also for any facial hair that one may be experiencing. So I decided that I needed to try some out on my upper lip, just for kicks, even though it really isn't that hairy.

Holy mother of oh my lord I can't believe I just did that!

I thought bikini waxes were painful. Boy was I wrong. That hurt. Bad. And to make matters worse, I now had two bright red marks on my mustachio area as well as a new-found feeling of numbness. I'm pretty sure this must be what getting Botox feels like.

And now, family, I have to go to the tree farm looking like this. I am sorry. You can scamper off into the trees and pretend you aren't with me. It's fine, I'll understand. Really.



It could be worse though - you could be walking around the Christmas tree farm with the above person, cleverly disguised as your mom.

How'd that saying go? If you can't laugh at yourself . . .

Love,

Your Mom (and wife, and daughter)

18 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

That is why I have a hard-and-fast policy regarding hot wax and professional application.

Think of the memories you're making!

flutter said...

you crack me up

Ashley said...

Yeah, I'm scared of the wax myself. I do a good enough job butchering the brows with plain old tweezers. I'd have nothing left.

Kudos to you for finding humor in it all, perhaps I need some lessons.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

That was hilarious!

Ya know, as embarrassing as those probably were, be glad you don't also have a call to 911 telling them that you have somehow managed to vacuum your hair and it's stuck, please come help -- to add to your compendium. Oiy!

When the Jambalaya was spilled in your lap, it didn't burn you did it? That's the first thing I thought of when I saw that, was; "OMG, I wonder if that burned?!?!"

Momisodes said...

ROFL!!!
Oh man. So sorry.

I've done the self-wax thing too. It effectively removed my facial hair...and all the layers of my epidermis.

I had a Scab-stache for a week :(

Rachel said...

Oh no! Since you're laughing, too, it's okay for me to, right???

I'm a plucker, not a waxer. Too cheap, and now, too scared to wax!

Anonymous said...

Hey. The jambalaya thing wasn't all that embarrassing to the rest of us. Honest. We were too busy looking at those huge eyebrows. (Did I really write that?)

Good grief, girl. You are so beautiful. Not just in my eyes, either. But your explanation at dinner last night, about the until-then-unnoticeable red marks on your upper lip? Cracked me up.

I used to think I was the only one who always made your husband blush at the family gatherings.

ha.

xxxooomom

painted maypole said...

wax and I do not get along

Liz said...

Ya know, reading your story, I couldn't help but think of THIS ONE! If you think your waxing story is bad, read this. It'll make you feel soooo much better. :)

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/humor-comedy/now-very-funny-waxing-story-read-43859.html

Kellan said...

You are a hoot!! That photo is too funny! OUCH!

I don't know, but I seldom do anything embarrassing - I wonder why? Could it be possible that I am such a control freak that I can even control the "uncontrollable" stuff?? I do believe so!

Have a good week - Kellan

Every Day Goddess said...

OMG!! You crack me up! So remind me of myself, if I am going to fall it is in front of everyone. Colton dropped his whole steaming hot enchilada plate into MY brand new Coach purse while we were out to dinner. Just the luck!

Every Day Goddess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sheila @ Dr Cason.org said...

Dude-
Who dropped the jambalaya? The server? Was your meal complementary?

That redness goes down. Eventually!

Ann(ie) said...

um, two things:

1. welcome to my world.

and

2. We REALLY TRULY need to hang out one day, girl.

xo.

Kimmylyn said...

Oh man. I am sorry I did chuckle at this..

John Wahl said...

Never thought about wax but Brenda stays on me to keep em' trimmed a bit!!

wyliekat said...

I bleach. It saves on the awkward wax markings, though I realize that bleaching has been a subject of stand-up comedy. To paraphrase:

"Ladies, why do you bleach? It's not that we care what colour your lip hair is. It's the fact that you have lip hair at all that's not good."

Still - we do what we can.

Kyla said...

How funny (for us, of course)!