There is an old saying that goes "If you can't laugh at yourself blah, blah, blah" which I repeat in my head a lot - mostly around the holidays, as this time of year seems to bring out the embarrassing events more than any other.
I am no stranger to "the embarrassing," as you may recall.
Remember the year that I left the bag of giblets in the turkey while it was cooking? That was embarrassing. How about opening up our beautiful, pre-ordered, free-range, organic fresh turkey on the morning of Thanksgiving only to discover that it was rotten and then having to bring it back up to the supermarket to exchange it for another? That was embarrassing.
I've fallen down at the pumpkin patch too, remember? Say it with me now . . . embarrassing!
[I've also fallen down buying broccoli, but that wasn't holiday related; rather, I'm getting some veggies for dinner in a hurry related - so it does not apply to this story]
It seems like the older I get, the more embarrassing things I do. You would agree with me family, wouldn't you? And it's not like I choose to bring on the humiliation, it just happens. It is completely and utterly out of my control.
Like the jambalaya incident from last week in which a heaping and delicious bowl of hot jambalaya was dumped squarely in my lap by the server. Yes, family, I am sure you would agree that I had absolutely no control over that one, wouldn't you? Even though it wasn't my fault, I am sorry for embarrassing you, and for smelling like seafood in the car on the way home.
And then there are the things that are completely in my control, the little decisions - like trying out the new eyebrow wax that I picked up while buying stocking stuffers and could not wait to use before going to get our Christmas tree.
Oh yes, I said eyebrow wax. I love those two words. Eyebrow. Wax. Just thinking about them sends my thoughts a flurry with all the beautiful arches I could achieve out of the current Ernie-from-Sesame-Street look I have got going on up there.
But the wax, it is also for any facial hair that one may be experiencing. So I decided that I needed to try some out on my upper lip, just for kicks, even though it really isn't that hairy.
Holy mother of oh my lord I can't believe I just did that!
I thought bikini waxes were painful. Boy was I wrong. That hurt. Bad. And to make matters worse, I now had two bright red marks on my mustachio area as well as a new-found feeling of numbness. I'm pretty sure this must be what getting Botox feels like.
And now, family, I have to go to the tree farm looking like this. I am sorry. You can scamper off into the trees and pretend you aren't with me. It's fine, I'll understand. Really.
It could be worse though - you could be walking around the Christmas tree farm with the above person, cleverly disguised as your mom.
How'd that saying go? If you can't laugh at yourself . . .
Your Mom (and wife, and daughter)