Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Wax On Wax Off

For my 34th birthday I received 2 gift certificates to a local spa. One was for a massage (which I cashed in 6 months later . . . aaaaah, can we all say eucalyptus aromatherapy together now?) and the other (given to me by my loving spouse) was for a massage and a little something else . . . a little $50 something else which was cleverly coded as "other spa services" on the beautiful gold gift certificate.

Need I mention that I turned 35 this year and still, that one gift certificate remained in a special place in my underwear drawer, just waiting for the proper time to be used?

Yeah, well there it lay in wait amongst the veritable underwearfest that is known as my panty drawer as well as the place where the tooth fairy stashes all of her collected teeth (I think I may have to talk with her about leaving her goods in places they don't belong).

Since summer is here and since I am a full-fledged grown-up (shhhhh, don't tell anyone), I thought it was high time I use those "other spa services" available for $50. It probably is not much of a surprise to anyone that the only services listed for exactly $50 are those services having to do with the waxing of my bikini line and more.

God, if I can't even type it, than how can I actually do it?

Okay, Brazilian. Brazilian. Brazilian. Brazilian.

Me? Not such a big fan of a total Brazilian, but I figured there was probably some way of negotiating with my waxer, hair ripper, torturer, what do you call them anyway? I thought if I had been seen by my OB/GYN about a thousand times, not counting the team of people present for the births of my three children, than surely I could be brave enough to tell the lady (oh, it had better be a lady and not a man) exactly what I want and how I want it. And that little morsel of information is not for sharing.

Turns out you can negotiate anything you want while lying on a table with your feet pulled up to your ears. Although I am not sure I want to relive the experience anytime soon. I have been assured that "it will not ever hurt as much as the first time" by everyone I know who has had it done, including the 12-year-old Russian hair ripper who laughed when I asked her if she had seen the episode of The Real Housewives of the OC where they take Vicki's assistant to get waxed and you can hear her screaming through the door, "Will I ever be able to go to the bathroom again?"

She hadn't seen that episode but she assured me that she'd try to catch it in reruns when she wasn't busy staring at vaginas on the waxing table.

Gone yet Dad? Okay then.

I wasn't blessed with a hairy mother, so I had no formal schooling (until now) on body hair removal. My mom is one of those people who can shave her legs once a week and still have smooth legs. Her eyebrows are neat little arcs over here eyes with nary a stray hair, all on their own.

Me? I am a gorilla. Thanks Dad, if you are still here. I began waxing my eyebrows when I was 21 and before that I would attack them with tweezers like a fat girl in a cake store. The minute one would get out of line, there I would be plucking it away like it never existed. I have to shave my legs every live long day and don't even get me started on the weird hair that decided to appear on my chin.

Yes, I've had my hormones tested. No, I am not a man.

So there I was, breathing like I was in labor (probably sounding a lot like Free Willy eh?), trying not to scream or be embarrassed. Which, as I learned, is nearly impossible to do. Trying to not be embarrassed on a waxing table is like trying not to be embarrassed if you are that really weird girl who got kicked out of the American Idol auditions before she even sang a note. "The world will never know just how wonderful I really am!" Sob.

Finally the job was done. And by finally, I mean 45 minutes later. I think I only pushed for 33 minutes to get Wyatt born, but who's counting? My little Russian hair ripper worked on my eyebrows after that, which was surprisingly zen-like after the ordeal I'd just been through and I became so relaxed that I nearly fell asleep.

I probably had post-traumatic stress disorder.

Anyway, would I get it done again? Yes, in about 6 weeks. But next time, I'm packing a designated driver because personally, I think it would hurt a lot less if they would just give me an epidural.

38 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I think this is a little bit of a generational thing and I'm a wee bit older than you. Jen and Get in the Car! and Jenn at Juggling Life both vote no.

kirida said...

Yowza! I've always wanted to get something like that done but what do you tip?

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

I'm too chicken for the whole waxing thing. I'm still working up the nerve to get my eyebrows waxed!

a Tonggu Momma said...

I'm too chicken to have a Brazilian... but, after your body hair descriptions, I think we may be related.

Kyla said...

OUCH! I've never had that particular experience, mostly because I am fairly shy and try to avoid intense pain.

LindaJ said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Your poor dad!

Kimmylyn said...

I am holding my private parts saying ouch. You are a rock star.

Domestic Spaz said...

I'm way too chicken to get a Brazilian. I'm saving up for laser hair removal.

I just deal with it the old fashioned Gillette way right now. :)

Motherhood for Dummies said...

I have always been too nervous about the whole waxing thing... or I should vajayjay waxing area... I dont mind legs.... just the girl bits.

flutter said...

*snort*

Mrs. G. said...

Sweet Jesus, how long does it hurt afterwards?

Mamasphere said...

I had it done a few years ago, and after the pain subsided, it was awesome! I should've kept it up. Now I know how much the first time hurts, and there's now way I'm going back!

Christy said...

Oh My God! You are a brave woman! I keep going back & forth with the waxing--should I try it? Shouldn't I try it...um NO. It scares the hell out of me!

Mommy Schiff said...

I like the idea of having an epidural to get through the pain...too funny!

I've been getting them done for about 2 years now and I have to say it isn't so bad especially if you do go the recommended 6 week intervals. I guess your skin down there gets tougher =)

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

Hahaha! You are braver than me.

Christina_the_wench said...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no, no....

Molo said...

Yeah I had to stop reading this halfway through as well.

Amanda said...

Forget actually "doing kegels," just read this fricking post, you'll clench and unclench a million times without thinking.

God, I hope your dad didn't read that.

Sandy C. said...

Shaving once a week? Hmph! *crosses arms*

I swear I'm the hairiest Asian on earth. I feel your pain. I too have a gifted spa card tucked in my undie drawer. Perhaps I should use it for a weed wacking too. :)

Jen said...

You are one brave soul. The whole thing just FREAKS ME OUT!!! But reading about someone else's experience was HILARIOUS. Sorry, but it was.

BusyDad said...

Hey there same-circles-runner! Ask any one of our mutual blog friends and they'll tell you I can hang with the "girl stuff" posts. But I do feel a little awkward in this situation. I mean, I usually save comments on genitalia posts until after at least 5 comments on more innocuous topics. Going out on a limb today...

Brigit said...

We're suppose to shave.....I just let it all go!

Great post. You are a brave girl.

anti-supermom said...

This was the best thing I've read in a long time! I have yet to get the lower regions wax, I'm not sure this post encouraged me to schedule an appointment.

I'm laughing with you, I hope the pain has dulled!

That girl said...

I've had this done a couple of years ago, when we went on a cruise...the results are definitly worth it, but it was definitly a weird experience.

Not only the pain, but the embarrassment, along with the many positions you have to be put in, in order for this little ordeal take place.

But after it's done...ahh, sooo smooth.

mom2natnkatncj said...

You are braver than me. I have never had anything waxed. I'm not super hairy or anything, but I'm not like your mother either, but despite giving birth to two without pain meds (would have done the 3rd that way if the darn kid wasn't breech with his cord wrapped around his neck twice) I honestly don't think I could handle waxing.

Leslie said...

You are hilarious. I loved this post. I too hope your dad didn't read too far. lol. Hope the pain didn't linger on. Happy POW!

Chelle said...

My heart goes out to you....Brazilians are no joke!

Kim said...

Hilarious!! I stand in awe though, I don't think I could have been so brave. Good luck with the next time:) epidural

Carol said...

Oh my goodness!

I think I am brave to wax my upper lip. I have that same hairy gene as you obviously. I have the odd random facial hair too.

A brazilian? That is another league entirely.

I salute you! (Whilst laughing at you obviously!)

Simply Shannon said...

No. Freaking. Way. EVER.

Susan said...

You are brave, brave, brave! I'm still too scared to have it done. I just want to cross my legs thinking about it!

Susan said...

Too funny! Loved the epidural idea, but no way! Just not into the pain, especially there.

Ann(ie) said...

HAAAAAAAAAAAA! Lord I just love you. I'm too chicken to do this. But, I'm now reconsidering after the thought of an epidural. AND I'm hairy, too....thanks a freakin lot DAD!!!!

;)

Happy Weekend girlie.
xo

Lynette said...

LOL. I TOTALLY feel your pain. My suggestion. Drugs. And no scream cream. It helps. A LOT.

HAPPY POW!

OHmommy said...

Oh my gosh.... my belly hurts. You are so funny to mention your dad. I am rolling on the floor. ;)

Wendi said...

Hilarious!!!
Happy POW!

Anonymous said...

o.k. Just what IS a Brazilian wax??

hugs,

Dad

Joanna Jenkins said...

OMG!!! I'm praying 50-something women don't do this or else I'm in serious trouble. Can we all say NEVER together!