Friday, October 23, 2009

And So it Goes

A week.

It's been a week now and still...nothing. No news, no phone call, nobody banging on my door with an envelope bearing the words "TOP SECRET" upon it's manila exterior. And I know, that I better get used to this.

A late night journey into the world wide web was a mistake. I knew it would be. Causing more sleeplessness than any 2 little blue pills (Tylenol PM written on their surface) could cure. Night after night after night.

Notes.

Notes in a silly little National Geographic Kids explorer journal (the closest thing resembling paper that I could find). The date. What he had for breakfast. What he had for lunch. What he had for dinner. Snacks. Symptoms. Do it all over again the next day and try to decode the meaning of it all with shaky knowledge begotten from somewhere inside of a computer along with mother's intuition. A precarious combination, to say the least.

Calm.

I have no choice other than to remain calm. I have to be calm for him. Imagine what he must be feeling? Oh, what he must be feeling. It's unfathomable at his age. It's unfair and wrong and it makes me angry.

I snapped at him for eating something not on "the list."

"How could you?"

"Do you understand how important this is?"

"I can't go to school with you everyday and make sure that you follow the directions from the doctor, you have to be more responsible."

Guilt.

He's a child. How could I? What was I thinking? He slipped up just a little...okay, twice. Will it really make a difference? Will he have to start all over again? Will the doctors be upset with me for not doing a better job?

Control.

There aren't many things I can control about the situation. Following the directions is the only thing I have, the only reign I hold, the only grasp on doing something for my child to help...and will it be enough?

Love.

And among all the guilt, the worry, the note-taking, the confusion and the sleeplessness, lies love. The core of it all is love. And that is never anything to question or to wonder or to lose sleep over because it's always there - unwavering, all-knowing, comforting.

I just wish love was enough.

And so it goes.

7 down, 3 to go.

9 comments:

Alli Worthington {@alliworthington} said...

Oh sweetheart. Sending you love and virtual hugs.

xoxo

I'm only a phone call away!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Whatever this is, it sounds so tough. I know you are doing as well as anyone could.

Kendra said...

Oh, I am so sorry. And I know about the snapping at your child because you're so tense and frustrated, and don't they understand that you're trying to help them? And you can't help them if they don't cooperate? And then you feel guilty--because you snapped, because you forgot that they're just children, because maybe you aren't helping them enough. Just please know that although the guilt and worry can seem overwhelming, you're not alone. I haven't been exactly where you are, but I've worried and been angry in my fear and regretted it. And feared it meant I wasn't a very good mom. But it doesn't. It means you're scared and you're trying. I hope the waiting and worrying is over soon and that you have some good news waiting for you.

alice c said...

Be kind to yourself, Carrie, because then you will be able to focus on what is really important.

McMommy said...

Thinking of you guys....xoxo!!!

kys said...

Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

monstergirlee said...

Thinking of you Carrie and your little one, sending prayers.

Aimee Greeblemonkey said...

Carrie, what did I miss??

Kyla said...

It can be so tough. Hang in there, Mama.