Thursday, April 24, 2008

Dear Motherhood

Dear Motherhood,

It has been awhile since my last confession . . . oops, wrong line.

It has been awhile since you and I had a heart-to-heart. I just wanted to fill you in on a few things.

First of all, about the hours; they are, to put it nicely, as I don't want to offend you, Motherhood, well, they are ridiculous. I knew when I became a mother that I was in for more than I'd ever experienced before having children; but these hours, the non-stop sun-up 'till sun-down routine, well, it's killing me.

Secondly, the toothpaste. That's right, I said toothpaste. Motherhood, I am sick of cleaning up globs of bright blue toothpaste that fell out of someone's mouth and decided to take up residence on the side of our bathroom sink. Motherhood, I have lectured and lectured until I, myself, am as blue in the face as that there toothpaste, and it seems to do no good. So, if you could do something about that I would really appreciate it.

Thirdly, nightmares and things that go bump in the night. I think this contributes to my general complaint regarding hours (see above). Motherhood, could you please stop in and sprinkle a little pixie dust on one of my older child's forehead just as he is about to go to sleep? It would greatly decrease the number of times he wanders into my room and scares the living daylights out of me by standing over my body until I wake up, I think. I may even avoid having a heart attack at 35, which would mean a lot to my family.

Also, Motherhood, about the little girl who thinks she is the boss of everything, can you fix her? Can you please help her understand that pushing on the automatic door at a department store is not a good way to exit the store and will only result in angry, sideways glances from her mother as she is trying to pay for clothing and shakes of the head from other customers as they try to navigate their way around the little girl as she blocks the door (which she has now broken)?

And Motherhood, it would be nice if I didn't have to see anymore scowls from any 5th-graders who think that it is incredibly unfair and unjust to have to brush their teeth before going to bed (and again, about the toothpaste . . . just making sure you're paying attention). It might also be helpful if that same 5th-grader would use his words instead of freaking out every time someone goes into his room.

Motherhood, I know this is a long list, but believe me, it is just the tip of the iceberg. I did not want to overwhelm you with all of my complaints all at once. I am thoughtful that way. I do, however; request that immediate attention is given to these most important issues regarding my employment with you.

If my concerns are not addressed in a timely fashion, I will have to change the name of this blog to "Stop Screaming I'm Driving," instead of "Third Time's a Charm?" as it would better suit the general mood of our family.

Cordially and in Your Service,


Cathy said...

The nightmares -- gah!!

At least three times a week, a small child materializes at my side of the bed. "Mommy, I had a bad dream," he or she says.

So I pull them in and they promptly fall fast asleep ... while I toss and turn on my two inches of the bed.

Shania said...

This reminds me of a sign I saw outside of a fire station:
"Volunteers needed. No vacation. Pay sucks. Lifelong benefits." Kind of sums up motherhood, no?

carrie said...

OMG, Shania, if that is true than my family is screwed! My husband is a firefighter! :)

jen said...

motherhood, you should take my sister friend on vacation. she deserves it.

Scout's Honor said...

Ah, you had me at toothpaste.

Lately, those globs in the sink have started to migrate to the front of the cabinet, the tiles onthe floor, and yes, my friend, even the carpeted hallway.

What's worse is that invisible Tasmania devils attack the toilet paper (but somehow never manage to put on a new roll) and I'm finding shredded TP in that same hallway.

Mama never said there'd be days like that.

LindaJ said...

I think I just peed a little bit.

Family Adventure said...

If Motherhood gets back you, will you let me know?

I'd love to discuss aiming strategies for little boys peeing with her.


Mel said...

I ADORE the idea of the new name.

(AND you are TAGGED for a meme.)

painted maypole said...

ha ha ha ha ha

love this format, and amen to the toothpaste!

Kyla said...

The toothpaste! Why do I even clean the sink? WHY?

Aimee Greeblemonkey said...

Another awesome one. You kickin ass this week, friend!

Beth from the Funny Farm said...

THE TOOTHPASTE! YES! And for me.. wet towels in their bedrooms.. UUGH!

I may rename my blog. "SHUT UP! SIT DOWN! BE QUIET!" lolol

Queen of the Mayhem said...

Motherhood.....please advise as to how to handle a four year old that gets written up for spitting at his teacher...

Best Regards,


Ann(ie) said...

HA! Stop screaming I'm driving makes me laugh. If you don't take it might I have it? :)

Joy T. said...

Popping over to see a fellow Blogtations judge and to say hi. So hi :o) LOL great post and I say amen to all of those things!