It has been awhile since my last confession . . . oops, wrong line.
It has been awhile since you and I had a heart-to-heart. I just wanted to fill you in on a few things.
First of all, about the hours; they are, to put it nicely, as I don't want to offend you, Motherhood, well, they are ridiculous. I knew when I became a mother that I was in for more than I'd ever experienced before having children; but these hours, the non-stop sun-up 'till sun-down routine, well, it's killing me.
Secondly, the toothpaste. That's right, I said toothpaste. Motherhood, I am sick of cleaning up globs of bright blue toothpaste that fell out of someone's mouth and decided to take up residence on the side of our bathroom sink. Motherhood, I have lectured and lectured until I, myself, am as blue in the face as that there toothpaste, and it seems to do no good. So, if you could do something about that I would really appreciate it.
Thirdly, nightmares and things that go bump in the night. I think this contributes to my general complaint regarding hours (see above). Motherhood, could you please stop in and sprinkle a little pixie dust on one of my older child's forehead just as he is about to go to sleep? It would greatly decrease the number of times he wanders into my room and scares the living daylights out of me by standing over my body until I wake up, I think. I may even avoid having a heart attack at 35, which would mean a lot to my family.
Also, Motherhood, about the little girl who thinks she is the boss of everything, can you fix her? Can you please help her understand that pushing on the automatic door at a department store is not a good way to exit the store and will only result in angry, sideways glances from her mother as she is trying to pay for clothing and shakes of the head from other customers as they try to navigate their way around the little girl as she blocks the door (which she has now broken)?
And Motherhood, it would be nice if I didn't have to see anymore scowls from any 5th-graders who think that it is incredibly unfair and unjust to have to brush their teeth before going to bed (and again, about the toothpaste . . . just making sure you're paying attention). It might also be helpful if that same 5th-grader would use his words instead of freaking out every time someone goes into his room.
Motherhood, I know this is a long list, but believe me, it is just the tip of the iceberg. I did not want to overwhelm you with all of my complaints all at once. I am thoughtful that way. I do, however; request that immediate attention is given to these most important issues regarding my employment with you.
If my concerns are not addressed in a timely fashion, I will have to change the name of this blog to "Stop Screaming I'm Driving," instead of "Third Time's a Charm?" as it would better suit the general mood of our family.
Cordially and in Your Service,