Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Mama's Guide to Living Dangerously

Anyone who reads Tabba's blog knows what a horrifying week she had at the beginning of the month. Reading about her close calls reminded me just how precious our lives and the lives of our children are, and it also reminded me just how dangerous raising kids really is.

When we have children for the first time, I don't think any of us are really, truly prepared for the enormity of the job. That is not to say that there aren't some well-prepared new parents out there (hello!), but to fully grasp just how much of a tight-rope walking experience parenting can be, you have to have gone through a little bit of it yourself and the baby-proofing section of What to Expect the First Year, full of drawer latches and outlet covers, just doesn't cover it .

Because I tend to birth fearless, crazy children, I also experience what I think is more than my share of disasters. And if I cannot prevent all the future mishaps that may befall my kids, maybe someone, somewhere will learn from our past mistakes and avoid a mini-disaster of their own.

So, without further adieu, Tabba, this post is for you:

1. Avoid throwing rocks. Throwing rocks at a fence can either slice your forehead open requiring the application of Dermabond in the emergency room (Braydon) OR knock your brand-new front tooth, root and all (Wyatt) out of your gums requiring a dental intervention and at least a year's worth of visits to the endodontist and subsequent baseball seasons wearing a mask and mouth guard on your batting helmet.

2. Avoid putting those teeny tiny barrettes in your toddler daughter's hair to make her look more like a girl. A curious and busy toddler (Katie) may decide that a better place for that cute clippy is up her nose, requiring a trip to the ER and a very tense doctor retrieving it from almost her nasal cavity (you are one lucky girl, you almost needed surgery) followed by 2 lollipops (one green one red) which is all she will remember from the situation for the rest of her life.

3. When making grilled cheese sandwiches, use the back burner. This will deter any little noses (Wyatt) from being burned while "checking on them".

4. Don't let older kids on docks with wenches. Or, if they do have a wench on them, tell them not to lean on it. This will prevent the wench from spinning and causing a "laceration" (McRae) in your child's arm which will result in a trip to the ER, stitches and a stop at the local 7-11 for a Slurpee afterward.

5. When kids are building forts in the family room, make sure they aren't using any large, heavy, sharp trophies belonging to your husband for being Firefighter of the Year (twice). This way, said trophy will not fall on the child's head (Wyatt), creating a deep cut requiring, yet again, Dermabond and leaving a little scar (but chicks dig scars, right?).

6. Throw out your MAGNETIX if you haven't already!!!! When little sisters (Katie) find them and want to play with them while their mommy is distracted by the gigantic pile of laundry they will think it's funny to stick 2 of the shiny, silver balls in their mouth and then run to their mommy and her gigantic pile of laundry pointing down their throat and saying "balls". Then the mommy will have to rush the little sister to the doctor, have an x-ray taken of her body, explain just how this happened and then be relieved when the doctor says "they've cleared her airway, so it will be just fine - they will make their way out naturally, in a few days". At which point, the mommy will breath a huge sigh of relief and then go home and throw all those Magnetix away. She will then thank her lucky stars a thousand and one times when she sees on the news the story of the little boy who almost died from swallowing those horrible things, and she will vow to pay more attention to her daughter when she is doing laundry.

Parenting is a dangerous job, but somebody's got to do it.

13 comments:

Woman with kids said...

Can I add to this?

When boys are playing tag, make certain they don't use the storm door as base. Otherwise, when they run to the door, they may put their arm through the lower part (Boy 1) that is supposed to be shatter-resistant, but isn't.

creative-type dad said...

That barrette thing is scaring me...

alice c said...

So you haven't had the "Can I fly like Batman" accident yet?
Never mind - deep respect to you - that is an impressive list!

Queen of the Mayhem said...

I feel compelled to add as well:

Never leave a baby walker out in a room as your husband may trip over it. This will invevitably lead him to drop whatever is in his hand.......clothes, drink, INFANT....resulting in a tearful trip to the emergency room after the pediatrician says a fall from his 6'3 inch frame requires x-rays! This can also lead to fear of social services and/or police filing a report. ( Luckily, neither happened with us....we must have looked that pathetic)

Maybe THAT'S what's wrong with Junior Mayhem...it all seems so clear to me now! :)

Tabba said...

oooh, Carrie.....jeez-a-loo.

Yeah....it is a dangerous job.
We should be supplied with some anti-anxiety meds as soon as the kids start walking though.

Seattle Mamacita said...

i loved this post and the comments, makes me breathe a big sign of relief, forgiveness for the time the G fell down a long wooden staircase under my watch...

jen said...

oh, wow.

also, double check all the plugs in the outlet or you just might find a fork sticking out of one.

Mike M said...

Great blog!

I will be back for more!!

-0-0-

Becky said...

omg all that stuff has happened to your kids?! wow i give you credit. hannah's been pretty accident proof since she was born..we've had a few scares and only been to the ER 3 times for terrible ear infections. you deserve a medal!

Oh, The Joys said...

Am now completely terrified and immobilized.

I must go get the barrettes out of the rooster's hair...

sweatpantsmom said...

Wow. I guess I'm lucky - we've only had to make 3 trips to the ER in 11 years.

Of course, we've never owned a Magnetix set, and my husband has never won a Firefighter Of The Year trophy, which could explain things.

Lisa said...

My hubby needs to read this. Then he'd understand why I'm so paranoid about this or that while our son is playing.

But then I use the "but he's my only ONE." logic on him. (Of course even if I had 10 I'd still be all, "But she's my only baby, or he's my only oldest, or she's my only second youngest.")

Her Grace said...

Kids. They know just how to scare us, don't they? Came to you through Tabba...can't wait to read more!